aubrey & judi's house

When we began the interview process for Judi's house, I didn't immediately think that Aubrey would be a part of it all. The thought that kept coming to me was, she's 3. She was only 2 when Bonnie passed away. She was young. Are kids capable of comprehending what's going on when someone dies? We were honest with Aubrey with what Bonnie was going through. Everything that we shared with the older kids, we shared with Aubrey. She was a part of the entire experience. She was not kept in the dark.

Whenever Bonnie's name is mentioned or if the older kids are saying something about their Tutu, Aubrey will instantly pipe in and say, "Tutu died. Tutu is dead.". And it has been very "matter of fact" for her. Its a statement. Its permanent.

Joe has mentioned that Aubrey came to him at one point and asked if Tutu was going to come back. He had a gentle conversation with her to explain that when someone dies, they do not come back to us, but we will see her again when we all go to Heaven. And Aubrey has been very satisfied with that reality and the explanation of it all.

The interviews began with Judi's house. They had us do an 'in person' interview for each of us. We drove to Judi's house as a family on a sunny afternoon around 3pm. Walking in to Judi's house, the aroma of coffee & couches is the first thing you'll notice. Its comfy & cozy, very welcoming, and feels like a home instead of an office. We were welcomed into one of the large living room areas, and the counselors followed us in. There were at least 8 to 10 counselors. I believe they were training that day and accommodating a family of six meant we needed a good sized staff.

Once we were all seated, Aubrey immediately took command of the room. She chose where she sat and it was between two counselors, which randomly happened to be HER two counselors. She said, "My name is Aubrey. This is my brother Enoch, my brother Travis, my sister Gwen, and my Mom & Dad." She owned it. And that's just Aubrey. No fear and ready for whatever comes her way.

I was slightly surprised when after the interview process they told me they felt Aubrey would benefit from counseling as well. She was too young to join us with our groups on Thursday evenings but instead would have her own Play Therapy sessions, 1 on 1, once a week, every Thursday morning, for the same duration of 10-11 weeks.

At first, Aubrey wasn't too excited about her visits with Katherine. It took her about 2-3 visits before she started looking forward to it. After each visit, she would understandably be exhausted so we would head home and take a nap. After checking in with Katherine, we knew that Aubrey wasn't clear on "the how" or "the why" of Bonnie's death but she did comprehend the permanence of death and that Tutu would not be coming back to see us. She did say that Aubrey shared how she was sad because Gwen was sad about Tutu. She felt bad for Gwen and wanted to help Gwen feel better. That's been something that has completely blown my mind - our 4 year old daughter comprehends her sister's sadness & grief and feels compassion for her. Kids, even little kids, are so much more aware of our expressions of emotions & feelings than we ever realized.

Around week 8, Katherine informed me that she felt Aubrey had gained all she could from play therapy and was not in need of more sessions. She said Aubrey wasn't dealing with or processing any grief. We are always welcome to go back if anything were to change in that area but it just wasn't something that Aubrey was experiencing at this time in her life. I have felt that Aubrey has gained a good "tool box" so to speak, to help her with communicating her emotions & feelings better, and that has helped her tremendously.

I do know there are a lot of people in the world who don't feel that counseling does anything. That it's pointless and has no merit. I have to admit that I felt the same way in my earlier years. It's been a sad misconception that people have felt if you're in counseling or therapy, you must be crazy. Or, counseling does nothing for you. Counselors are just nosy. Counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, they all just want one thing - Your Money. Or, they're pill pushers. Yes - there are horrible people in this world in medical professions who take advantage of patients, just as there are horrible people in every profession, race, religion, country, etc. There are bad people in this world. But that shouldn't be the reason to condemn everyone, all over the world, in every profession, religion, race, country or culture. There ARE GOOD people in this world. There are amazing people in this world who are here to help - we just need to find them. And it is our right to keep searching until we do find those good people.

As I've experienced more of life, and been touched by other's experiences in life, I have realized that if you seek counseling or have been referred to seek counseling from a medical stand point or a family member or even a friend, it is not a bad thing. Those people want you to be happy & healthy. They want to help you be the best that you can be. They want you to heal. They want you to be able to have that "tool box" to help you process, and understand whats happening in your life or going on around you so you can know how to respond & react in the healthiest way possible.

The stigma surrounding mental healthcare needs to disappear. We shouldn't feel shame for seeking counseling to take care of our minds, the same way most of the world sees a doctor to take care of their bodies. Not everyone is born into the healthiest mental situation. And, sometimes they ARE born into an extremely healthy atmosphere and still experience things that cause their minds to need help & care. None of us are perfect and IT IS OKAY to ask for help, to seek counseling, to reach your hand out and find someone to lift you up and help you heal. IT IS OKAY.

It is okay.