hey.
it's been a minute or two.
how is everyone? the world has turned completely upside down and inside out since i last wrote. how are you fairing?
we've lost a few friends during this pandemic - none of them have been lost to COVID-19 though. our family has been healthy and we've counted that as a blessing. my heart hurts for those who have lost loved ones during this unprecedented time in the world. not being able to come together to grieve would be devastating. my heart goes out to everyone at this time.
the last time i made a personal post, it was about aubrey and her journey at judi's house. i plan on posting a more in-depth look at gwen's journey soon. that may take me a bit to dredge up though. so many feelings and emotions go along with gwen's experience.
we finished our family grief counseling in february and i have to say, it was all so amazing. i feel so blessed to have stumbled upon this program and although i had some apprehensive feelings before we started with the group, i'm so glad we took the plunge. i cannot say that enough. it was a monumental blessing.
we did end up joining the connections group after our family group sessions finished. the connections group is an ongoing program to help families transition into life after the initial session ends. sort of a, as needed basis. for the connections group, only myself, enoch, travis, and gwen were planning to attend. joe felt he was in a good place and aubrey was doing amazing as well. not that myself and the three kids were still struggling, but we all felt the continued group access would be a comfort.
the connections group began on monday, march 2nd. all four of us were so pumped and excited to be meeting again with the group. there were new people and a few friendly faces but being back there was a huge comfort.
then COVID-19 happened. the in person sessions were cancelled and they had planned virtual meetings for individuals that needed it. we also had bi-weekly phone calls to check in.
in the back of my mind, i was worried about how the kids would handle no longer going to the sessions on top of the worldwide pandemic and lock-down orders but those fears dissolved rather quickly. i know this has not been the case in every home, but having joe home all day, every day and being together as a family constantly felt like an answer to prayers.
we've been able to bond, enjoy each other's company, not having to rush all over the place all the time, and we've been able to communicate and discuss our thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. its been wonderful. and its been so nice to hear the kids bring up things they remember about bonnie and share them openly. just little things that they remember randomly. like for instance; while driving to montana to visit my little sister, we got a flat tire and had to wait for it to be repaired. while waiting, we ate lunch at ihop and enoch brought up how bonnie use to take them to breakfast on saturdays to have pancakes and get balloon animals whenever she could. or when gwen told aubrey that they both got their blankies as gifts from their tutu. i've been so impressed by their openness and willingness to share these memories without being upset. they've been able to recognize that sharing and remembering helps them heal and they're doing it together, as siblings, as family.
2020 has been a ridiculous year so far with the fires across the globe, the pandemic, battling racism, hurricanes, tornadoes, the horrible political climate, and the list goes on. but 2020 has also been year of healing for our little family. i still have moments that are painful when i think about bonnie, but those painful moments are slowly shrinking, and turning into moments of joy, just to have her bless my memories. i've turned a corner and have lost a lot of my bitterness towards losing her. i've started being more grateful for the time that i did have with her and everything that she blessed me with - she helped me grow so much in our short relationship on this earth. 15 years was nowhere near long enough to have with her but i've found comfort in the knowledge that we will see her in the eternities. we will be reunited.
its intriguing to see how losing someone so close can change you in so many different ways. some good, some great, some not so good. but its a constant choice to keep moving forward, to keep growing in honor of them and to strive to make them proud of you, even from the other side.
