My husband's mother passed away in September of 2018. There is so much to this story, it would be very difficult to fit it all into one post; to really flesh it out and do it justice.
Losing someone so close to you, no matter who they are to you, is something that is not easily described. It is unfair. It happened too soon. It was too quick. You weren't ready for them to not be a part of your life anymore. There was so much left for you to experience with them. Utter loss. Endless grief. You just didn't feel like that was meant to be the end of their journey.
Now, imagine having children who were affected by this same loss. Most adults have the capability to express their grief. Most, not all. Not everyone processes grief in a healthy way. But we do process it and most of the time, we do know why we're having certain feelings of sadness. Children don't have the ability or mental capacity, or life experience to understand what is going on inside their minds when they're experiencing grief.
Gwen started kindergarten in August of 2018, the month before Bonnie passed away. She was ecstatic about school. The structure, the routine, the friends, the teachers, the experience - All of it. It was like Christmas for her. She would bounce out of bed every morning, beaming, ready for the day to begin. She would come home filled with joy and excitement to complete her homework, to have mom sign her planner, to read, and anticipating the next day at school.
Around five months after Bonnie passed away, in February of 2019, Gwen began having panic attacks at school drop off. Once she made it inside the building, and walked to class, she would be fine. But that was only IF we could get her into the building. She would scream, she would cry, she would refuse to leave her seat in the car, she would climb into the trunk of the car to avoid being helped out. It was terrifying as a mother to see my child act like a rabid stranger. She had absolutely no trust in me, or anyone else for that matter. She looked scared, traumatized, and lonely. The first time it happened, we figured it was exhaustion. She had a long day before, filled with school, excitement at home after school and a late bedtime. She just needed to get more sleep - a better nighttime routine and more sleep would do the trick, or so we thought. She would be good for a few days but then the panic attack would happen again. It would happen a few times each week and we just couldn't pin point a cause.
I had started counseling for myself in October of 2018 to try and cope with my anxiety. It was during a session with my counselor that it hit me - Gwen was experiencing anxiety about school. She stopped singing, she stopped skipping, she stopped laughing easily, she stopped enjoying visits with family. We had lost our bubbly, sweet, amazing Gwenevere and we didn't know what to do how or how we could ever, possibly reach her. We began asking all of the questions we could think of. Was something happening to her at school to cause her to be anxious? Was someone bullying/teasing/abusing her at school? Was something happening at home to cause this? Did something traumatic happen at school that frightened her? We looked at every possible angle and came up short, every time. After many discussions with Gwen, we came to find out that she was worried that I would die while she was at school because Tutu died. Grief. She was grieving the loss of her Tutu, which became an anxiety for her because she didn't know what was going to happen to her loved ones while she was away at school every day.
In June of 2019, Gwen had her yearly pediatrician visit where I spoke to her doctor about the anxiety/grief she had been experiencing. Her doctor was a little shocked that we had somehow put 2 & 2 together, making the correlation between her sudden change in behavior and how she was processing her loss. Her doc gave us two very good options to help Gwen. One was the Aurora Mental Health center where we could walk in without an appointment and be seen. They did work with children and their mental health issues but grief counseling wasn't a specialty.
The second suggestion was Judi's House. Former NFL quarterback, Brian Griese and his wife, Dr. Brooke Griese, founded Judi's house in 2002. After losing his mother, Judi, to cancer when he was 12 years old, he realized he wanted to give back to children & families who experienced loss in their own lives. You can read more in depth about their beginning here: https://www.judishouse.org/history
The application process was long. We submitted an application via email, we had phone interviews, we filled out several surveys about ourselves and each of the kids. The final step was an in person session for each of us, individually, with our own counselor to help determine who would need counseling. Just Gwen, or all four of the kids plus Mom & Dad. A caregiver is always there, regardless of needing counseling, just so the child has someone with them.
We received a call a few weeks later informing us that they had determined the entire family had been accepted into the program. Joe & I meet in the same adult group, Enoch is in the teenage group, Travis is in the middle school group, and Gwen is with the 5-8 year old group. Aubrey is too young to meet in a group so she has her own play therapy sessions where she meets 1-on-1 with her counselor.
The week before sessions began, I started questioning if this was our path - was this going to actually help us? Did we really need this? Were all of us really in need of grief counseling? The boys had seemed fine, Aubrey was still young, and Gwen was making good steps with her anxiety behaviors after we adjusted her sleep schedule and routine. Was this legitimately needed?
We will have our fifth session as a family at Judi's house this coming week. I cannot adequately express my joy & gratitude for the sweet miracles we have seen in just the last two weeks. The answer came to us about whether or not Judi's house was the right choice for us as a family. The boys have started to open up to us. They have realized that they have been struggling with feelings of grief about their Tutu - they just didn't know or understand those feelings to be grief about her. Gwen has started skipping again, singing, dancing, being silly, gaining confidence in all aspects of her life. She is recovering as the Gwen we have known and loved since birth. I can't explain what it feels like to see your sweet child disappear before your eyes because of the internal battles they're struggling with that you have absolutely no control over or way to help them. We were losing her and every beautiful possibility she was going to have in her life ahead of her. We were losing her. I am so grateful that I had the tools and the knowledge to recognize her symptoms because I had been having similar struggles. I am so grateful that I didn't push the nagging feeling away and I spoke to her doctor. I am so grateful that the Lord urged me to fill out those applications and to push for these sessions. I am so, so grateful that we had this option. I am so grateful that someone else who struggled and felt pain over losing a loved one, had the courage to help others move forward and heal.
Judi's house is a ten week program and we are almost halfway through. I wasn't expecting to see any results, much less the huge results we've seen in the last two weeks. I had hoped that maybe, down the road, we would see our children happy & filled with pure joy again. Seeing these glimmers of their previous happiness so soon has been such a relief and blessing.
I am grateful to have won the lottery in the mother-in-law department. I am so grateful that we loved her so much that losing her was and is so, so painful. I am so grateful for how much she loved us all - even though it hurts right now without her here - I am so grateful for her. I love her.
Thank you Bonnie. <3
